#SpeakToHer: Emotional Wellness
We are hard coded to accept and play the roles that this life requires of us. Daughter, mother, sister, partner, provider, friend. We are gifted the responsibility of being something to someone and then having that something mean the world to us.
This week I will be exploring emotional wellness which is, by definition, how we cope with life and build healthy relationships. This past spring, I decided to host a book club where we read A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. There were so many “Aha!” moments for me as I read this. It is a life changing book that got me to shift my mindset so that I can see my experiences through the lens of my higher self. One of the major topics that hit me hard was about the stronghold that the roles we are assigned, or voluntarily take on, have on our lives. It is so easy to identify with those titles and center much of what we do around the tasks that are required of the people in these roles. We are human. This means that we are multifaceted, divine creatures who can be more than any role could ever encapsulate. I have to remember this.
My feature for this week is someone who has been a major influence in my life. I would not be here today without her (literally and figuratively). My mom. My mother is one of my best friends. As the youngest of 5 children, I became really close to her because that’s just what happens when you’re the last chick to leave the nest. Our conversation was about how she transitioned after playing the role of mother for 36 years straight (I’m only counting up until my 18th birthday).
I began with the question that had been on my mind leading up to this conversation. What is it like to be a mom for so long then, suddenly, no longer have that responsibility? “It was hard at first because you still have the mindset that you have to do these things for your kids.”
I think it is especially tough when we are brought into a caretaking role, because as we watch over another person, to do it well, our heart posture has to be repositioned. Caring for someone else shifts the way we operate in the world. Many of the things that we do, end up being for that person or for those people. The impact of that can reverberate throughout your life long after the responsibility of that role is fulfilled. My mom has been growing into an empty nest lifestyle and I have been curious about what that took to move past the hustle of motherhood. “You have to give [your children] room. You have to know that they're capable of doing for themselves.” Being able to accept that there has been a transition in the nature of the relationship, seems to be the key to building a healthy relationship with not just the other person, but also with yourself.
“You have to give [your kids] room. You have to know that they’re capable of doing for themselves.”
So what does it look like on the other side of obligation? Or, as I asked my mom, “Now that you don’t have to be ‘Ma!’ how do you decide who Audrey is going to be every day?” She responded with a swift, “I just do me.” No longer living with the constraints of balancing multiple schedules, she gets to re-center herself based on what she wants and needs. Just identifying her needs first is a way to strengthen her emotional wellness. Having that freedom enables one to address how their experiences affect them without the pressure to show up with the appearance of wholeness for another person who is depending on them. But, after you get to a place where you are comfortable being yourself and detaching from the habit of performing as a person in that role, how do you move on?
“[I] clear my spaces. I watch my shows. I read. I’m thinking about changing the furniture in the living room. THAT would make me happy. & paint! Make one wall in there a different color. I'm thinking teal. You know a blueish-green. I like that color. Or maybe just painting the front door red.”
I would definitely like to see that front door painted red. I think it would be kinda cool. But it is not about me. It is about Audrey. My mother doing what she wants and what brings her joy is what feeding emotional wellness should look like. Transitioning through different versions of yourself is never easy. However, centering the core of who you are in the things you do, prevent you from identifying with the fleeting roles/titles that will be put in front of you as you navigate through your life.
So who do you want to be today & what do you want to do?
- E